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Friday, May 30th, 2008
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1:26 pm - I'm okay.
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I have some time here in my old apartment--I'm staying with a friend till I find my own place--and I figured I'd put up a quick note as I waited on hold with Con Ed to change my electric bill.
I just wanted to let you all know that it's amicable, not ugly, we're being very kind and decent to each other. But it had to happen--we're going different places in life and growing apart.
Which of course doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell. Which it does. But at the same time, it feels right.
I won't be in-game much probably till the end of the month, but I'll be updating my blog as I can.
Spacegh0st, I'm sure I'll see you and Trixee soon. zissue, I'll be calling you back as soon as I am not running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Hugh, give me a holla, ya? Viator, Gar, Morlock, SilentE, hugs!
love to you all
send me your good energy (and some to Diplo too, please)
Jay
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| Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
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10:54 pm
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| Monday, January 28th, 2008
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8:45 pm - The sky at night is big and bright..
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*clapclapclapclap* Deep in the heart of..um...Queeens..
Went to therapy today, new therapist. Just a meet and greet, really. She will be recommending me to see another therapist who specializes in eating disorders. But even in the short time I spent with her, she made me feel a bit better. What -is- it about therapy, about spilling your guts to a total stranger while they jot notes, that just frees you a little inside? I feel like the laces of my corset have loosened just a smidge, and I can breathe for another week.
Crossing the empty back lot, just before I got to the door of my apartment, I happened to glance up into the sky that stretched from garnet at one side to a chocolatey blue at the other. Stars pricked down faintly, Orion loomed to one side, and overhead, faintly heard, rumbled no less than five airplanes. They flashed and glowed a faint chalky white against the velvet sky. One seemed to hang interminably directly above me, and I felt giddy and alone, wondering if anyone in those planes was looking down. As I stood entranced, a train whirred by on the elevated bridge I could see from spot where I stood. The windows glowed warm gold against the dim sky, and the train itself was just a sinuous gray shadow.
For a spare few moments, everything in the world seemed graceful.
I swear, I live for seconds like those.
current mood: enthralled
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| Sunday, January 27th, 2008
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5:16 pm
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Stress.
I feel like a frayed rope. I'm so numb I'm barely holding it together from moment to moment. Something Is going to snap soon.
Going to get psych help on Monday. That's tomorrow. Will make it till then.
current mood: drained
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| Saturday, January 5th, 2008
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9:37 am - Health Havoc
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I feel like I'm never healthy. I had a head cold for a week before Christmas, and just before that I had a terrible cough and sinus infection, and now one week after I feel better, my throat is killing me and I'm starting to cough.
What the devil is wrong with my immune system? SERIOUSLY. I'm so FUCKING sick of being sick! GARGH!
Not that I want to post excuses, but this is the main reason I don't go to the gym. As soon as I feel better and start to go back, WHAM I get something else that makes me just want to huddle in the bed and sip hot tea. By the time I recover, I am healthy for a week, go back, and then whoops! Sick again! I seriously spend more time stuffed up, coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose, and whining about my scratchy miserable throat than I do healthy.
I thought teaching was supposed to toughen me up, immunity wise. I get sick more than any other teacher I know that isn't a first-year.
*grumble*
*whiiine*
current mood: sick
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 5th, 2007
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12:35 am - Roommate.
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There's this dude living in my spare bedroom.
And he does my dishes.
I is happy.
current mood: awake
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2007
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11:22 pm - Language of Chance
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My students are required to learn about the language of chance in math class.
One of the things they must do on their test is name things that will definately happen, might happen, or will never happen.
Top 10 list of things that will NEVER happen, according to 3rd graders:
10. I will not eat a table.
9. My TV will not grow wings and fly around my bedroom.
8. I will never hit myself with a brick. (if only we could all be so sure!)
7. I will never breathe in space without a suit or helmet.
6. I will never turn 1,000 years old.
4. I will never know my mother's middle name because she won't tell me.
3. I will never be the queen.
2. People will not turn into zombies after dark.
and finally, the number one thing that will NEVER HAPPEN:
1. The President of the United States will not pee through is fingers instead of his...
current mood: amused
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 17th, 2007
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6:35 pm - Eep.
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Twenty Six.
They gave me another student. WE HAVE NOOOO ROOOOOOM!
I can't complain. I mean, I really can't. The registers are exploding this year. The only other monolingual teacher in the grade has 30 students. The only reason I don't is my classroom size, which is already past fire safety hazard levels. Like, over twice fire safety hazard levels.
*sigh*
I lost four and gained five. The only rowdy one was taken out--but even so, I miss him! He was so sweet, even if he was all over the place all the time. He and three other of my best and brightest were sent out to another classroom. At first, I thought it must be the principal taking pity on us in our cramped quarters--even removing four desks would make room for a bit more legroom and walking space.
But then they sent me five more. I had to find another desk (my janitor is a saint).
I can't complain. Must...not...grk...
current mood: annoyed
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 13th, 2007
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11:24 am - Chocogasm
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Holy. Wow.
I have stumbled upon the most amazing thing since...since...Gah, I'm speechless! Those of you who know me well know that "chocoholic" doesn't begin to describe my obsession with chocolate. I can eat it till I'm sick. What some people describe as "too rich" I consider perfect bliss. If I had to choose between chocolate and sex--
Erk. Hard one.
Anyhow. Chocolate is important to me. So when I ate one of these:
I almost died from the ensuing chocogasm. They're called Five Star Chocolate bars. They're tiny--well, thick, but still small-ish. I was at Dean and Delucca, and I saw them, and I thought to myself, "A tiny chocolate bar that costs $3.75. This is either going to be SO worth it or such a ripoff." And on a whim, I bought it.
So. Worth. It.
Possibly the best chocolate I've ever eaten. EVER.
So now, in my dreams, someone who really really loves me and is overflowing with too much money they want to waste feeding my obsession (and my plump bottom) buys me this for Christmas:
http://www.lakechamplainchocolates.com/Chocolate/Chocolate-Month-Club/Chocolate-Month-Clubs.aspx
That's right. Four hundred dollars worth of chocolate.
Or I win the lottery and buy myself TWO memberships. Three! Unh..ooh..ohgodh..uh..*gasp*
*swoons*
(also, in my dreams, I get a personal trainer to work off the excess chocolatude. Yikes!)
current mood: horny
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| Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
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6:07 pm - Classroom Calamities
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This year, being my fourth teaching, I was so ready.
A week early, I came into my classroom to set up. I organized. I cleaned. I rearranged. I decorated. These things take longer than anyone who has never set up a classroom before can imagine. It literally took me a week to get the place unpacked and looking decent. New paper on the boards. New word-wall posted. New math wall, level the library, create centers...
Well, my room looked awesome, if I do say so myself. Others did, too. I got a lot of compliments this year from supervisors and colleagues alike. I was glad, overall, that I'd spent a week of my vacation time putting the work in. After all, I was going to be in that room all year.
Well.
All week, anyhow.
Friday morning I got called down to the principal's office before I had to go pick up my class. It's a new guy, he's really great, and so when he looked harried and asked me to close the door behind me, I had the smallest wiggle of fear. My union rep was in the room with him, looking concerned.
The first thought to flash through my head was that they were going to tell me I dressed inappropriately because some of my clothes I wear to work let my shoulder tattoos show a bit. I was ready for a bit of embarrassment, and braced myself.
It was so much worse. Yes, I still have my job. But no, I don't have my beautiful room with the bathroom, closet space, carpet, and sprawling library. See, the school needed a new first grade. We're already overcrowded, but 30 kids in a first grade classroom is flat-out against the law. So since my class was the ONLY third grade on the second floor (read: had a bathroom in the class) We got moved.
Okay. So my whole week's worth of vacation time was utterly wasted. I could grumble, but I could still breathe. I still have my job, right? And the air conditioning in that room didn't work anyhow, turning the huge bank of bright windows into a greenhouse sauna. At least my new room on the fourth floor had air conditioning. Right?
...Right. Air conditioning. And no blackboards. And no teacher's desk. And about 1/4 the closet space. No room for a library, since it is LESS than half the size of my old room. Windows leak when it rains. No bathroom in the class, so students have to go in pairs down the hall, which is an extremely annoying class disruption.
But all this would be bearable if only we had room. The classroom I currently inhabit was actually designed for about 12 students to use--a special ed class, or a resource room.
I have 25 students in my class.
When I say we have to move sideways through that room, I am not exaggerating in the slightest. When I say I don't sit down all day because there is no room for a chair for me, I am not just whingeing. I have bruises up and down my legs (I would show a picture of this, but I'm embarrassed about the unattractive state of my gams) from bumping into desks, tripping over chairs, and getting backed into by students who suddenly decide they need an inch more room to breathe (poor things), and push out their chair a bit. The kids never get to leave their seats, because there's nowhere for them to go besides the drinking fountain, which leaks worse than the windows do. I guess I should be glad we even HAVE a drinking fountain. The reason the class was empty before I got there? ...It was considered too small to be serviceable for teaching. Hooray for overcrowding.
I'm trying to think on the bright side. I have four working computers that all print to a modern printer. Two of these computers are only two years old! (The other two are 12 years old, and macs to boot. Ick.) But still. I can actually have my students type things. And there's air conditioning. I don't sweat like a pig in there, and have been able to *gasp* wear my hair down! And having such a small room means that no shenanigans get past me. I see every little wayward twitch and furtive whisper.
*sigh*
I managed not to cry till I got home Friday night. I'm so bummed. I feel like I've been evicted from my apartment and forced to move to a less desirable neighborhood. I went down four flights of stairs to see my old room yesterday, and they had taken down all my stuff that I'd worked so hard to put up--backing paper, charts, flowers. I feel displaced, and wronged. I know that there was no choice, but oh, it hurts!
current mood: crushed
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 1st, 2007
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12:37 am - T-hee.
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No terribly interesting names in my class this year.
Except for Jennifer Lopez. Bhah!
Poor kid.
More on Tuesday, when I meet them!
current mood: amused
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| Thursday, August 30th, 2007
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6:59 pm - Kiddies are a Comin'!
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Got one more day of preparation for my class, and then they show up. I'm a smidge nervous, as usual. But the more time I spend around other teachers, the less stressed I've become. Especially the new teachers. I see where they are now, and I remember when I was in their shoes, and it really makes me realize how far I've come. Spending time with them, calming them down, coaching them on how to be "mean" for the first month (Having a kid think you're a mean teacher for the first month means you're doing the discipline right!), and organizing their classrooms with them really soothes me. It's good to be the experienced, stable one for a change. I'm now the third-highest ranking teacher on the grade! I'm now glad I didn't have the cluster position I wanted as an art teacher. I mean, I will want to do that eventually, but I was given a really big compliment today. I was talking with the principal, and she was mentioning how we have two new teachers on Third Grade this year. She basically told me that she wanted to give me the cluster position, and that I'll probably get it in the future, but that she considered me one of her "top three" third grade teachers, and needed to keep me there for another year to mentor the new folks. Third is generally a rough grade because it's the first "testing grade," and kids who fall behind in third rarely recover. At any rate, even if she was just smoothing my feathers, I felt good about myself. I didn't get the job I wanted cause I'm too good at the one I'm doing? Okay, I'll take it for now. *grin*
The best news of all is that we have a new principal. The old one was getting stressed out and evil. (see some previous entries, where she told me I was setting writing instruction back 20 years!) It's a burnout job for a lot of people.
The "new" guy is utterly awesome. He's a leader who leads by example rather than punishment. We know this because he was our assistant principal for three years, and everyone knew that if you really wanted something taken care of, you went to him and not to the principal. It's like having an amazing older brother as your boss. I get the feeling that leaders like that don't come around too often in your lifetime, and the teachers one and all are brimming with excitement to work for him. One of them said today, "When he asks me to do something I don't resent it, because it's a respectful suggestion, not a demeaning command. I am working so hard to make my room look better than ever, not because I am worried about criticism, but because I want to impress him. I don't want to let him down. I want him to be proud of me. His disappointment would be SO much worse than his anger." And around her, ten or so teachers were listening, and nodding, and heartily agreeing.
Which, when you think about it, is really, amazingly cool. That's the sort of respect I always hope to inspire in my students.
See what I mean by leading by example?
Very inspiring.
current mood: chipper
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| Saturday, August 25th, 2007
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12:57 am - Tasty Tango
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Tonight I watched a couple do a showcase tango. The thing that amazes me about tango isn't the flashiness of it, or even the sexy music. The thing that gives me chills is the intensity, the pleasure and pain, the deep focus of the dancers. I'm enthralled by more choreographed tangos, of course, but what really takes my breath away are the improvs. The man leads, the lady must follow, and if they're good they move in such astonishing unison it's as if they are breathing from the same lungs. Sudden changes in direction, sexy intertwining footwork, two bodies held perfectly still while a single caress is performed with a hand or foot--it's exquisite. Improvisational tango seems to me to be more intense, because the focus of each partner on the other must be unfaltering. There is no routine, they must read each other's every intention to move as one.
Anyhow, after much googling, I found a video of an improv I liked. Grainy black and white footage give it an extra romantic edge, I think.
current mood: impressed
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| Friday, August 24th, 2007
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11:35 pm - Yes, Youtube.
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So now that I've figured out how to embed media into my journal, I think I'll be posting a lot more things. I don't watch much TV, but I do watch lots of Youtube. This video, which is a Youtube posting of one of the few shows I do watch, namely, Flight of the Conchords. I couldn't decide between this one, and the one that began, "She's so hot, she's like a curry. I want to tell her how hot she is, but she'll think I'm sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist! Bitch!"
...but eventually, I settled for this one. Hiphopapottamus. *snicker*
current mood: chipper
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
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7:47 pm - Overposting!
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11:29 am - Fucking Fuck!
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10:28 am - Covenant Controversy
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So for a few years Nfinit has told me I need to read the Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever series. And after I asked him about ten times, "What was that book you always told me to read again?" he finally bought me a copy.
I embarked on it yesterday.
I'm a bit shocked. (If you haven't read these books, bigass spoiler ahead, folks.)
I mean, I remember hearing that Thomas Covenant was the antihero of all antiheroes, and so I was very into his bastardly assholeishness from the get go. I even had a lot of sympathy for him, for the terrible disease, for his abandonment and isolation, and I really felt his rage. Donaldson has a wonderful way of describing emotion. But I was unprepared for the rape.
Let me just rant for a moment, ladies and gentlemen, about male authors who write about rape.
I've read a few novels that contain rapes, and I don't object to it existing in a book I read. I mean, it's part of reality. I am not yet thirty (hey, five months!) but I know four women of my close aquaintance who have been raped and two who were attempted victims. I know it happens. So if an author feels the story needs deep tragedy, or sickening reality, well, that's fine. I accept that.
What always gets me, though, is that I have never yet read a fictional rape by a male author that rings even remotely true. It's like they JUST DON'T FRIGGIN GET IT. They all seem to understand only on the surface that it is bad. None of them seem to be able to get their brains around the deep-sunk horror and degredation suffered by the victim. It is as if they never try to do anything but scratch the surface of the evil. It is almost abstracted, something that is terrible, but recoverable. The victim is still alive, isn't she?
I just feel like if you're going to write about something as vile and putrescent and deeply nightmarish as rape, you'd better do it right. You'd better delve a bit into what it's really doing, into the play of power, domination, helplessness, and annihilation of the self that goes along with it.
The worst case of this was actually in one of my all-time favorite books, The Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson (Probably spelled his name wrong, too lazy to check). His awesome heroine gets gang raped at the second to last chapter of his book for no apparent reason. She "goes away in her mind," picks herself up afterwards, dusts herself off, decides to think about it later, and gets on with her life.
....!!!
Riiiight.
Contrast this to Robin Hobb's portrayal of rape. She used it to show the ultimate degradation of the mind of her arch villain--a character for whom she'd built up a lot of sympathy, incidentally--and the consequences of the rape on the victim (another main character) don't just go away when the heroic male romantic lead shows up to rescue her. Instead she has to deal with her own sense of self loathing. She's left crippled, unable to relate to anyone emotionally or physically past a very superficial level. Everything in her life is going the right way, but she is left at the "happy ending" unable to enjoy her life. And THAT--that is a much more realistic, and therefore much more potent--statement about evil.
So when Thomas Covenant rapes Lena, I just didn't get it. The book has just...moved on. I am thinking the author wanted to show you JUST HOW MUCH of a bastard he is, since he put a lot of effort into making Lena an innocent, beautiful, pure symbol of hope and light. Worse, she doesn't go tell her parents about it, because she felt the need to protect him?! Whaaaat? At least in the Sword of Truth books the victim gets to cut off the balls of her rapist and feed them to him. None of this "you're a reborn hero so I must save you at all costs!" crap.
I dunno, I haven't finished the book yet. Maybe Lena comes back as a twisted evil character, or as a broken husk to haunt his conscience, but the character doesn't seem to have much of a conscience. Aside from a brief bout of nausea after he rapes her, there isn't much remorse there.
I guess my overall feeling is that maybe Donaldson is really trying to create not just an antihero, but a downright evil person stuck in the role of savior of a world. I guess a good way to show that would be to have him be a rapist. And in order to keep the reader interested in him at all after he shows his true nature, he had to build up some previous sympathy for him--namely, his leprosy and abandonment.
Me, I'm more interested in seeing him get annihilated. I'd be cool if Lena rose up as his nemesis later on.
current mood: discontent
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
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10:00 am - Tuesday Trials
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Queens College Teacher Certification office isn't open on Tuesdays.
ARGRARGASEDFAHSDFASDLKFHASSSSSSSSSSSSER!
Did I mention I hate these people? None of my other friends were forced to go to this dumb seminar. I can't imagine they're going to force me, right?
Man, nothing steams me like bureaucracy. Ooooh. I need a drink.
current mood: enraged
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 20th, 2007
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7:23 pm - Queens Queries
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First, a rant.
I FUCKING HATE QUEENS COLLEGE! They have so many friggin' hidden charges! The perfect example is that a year after I graduated, they won't recommend me for my teaching license unless I give them a forty dollar postal money order. Why? It's a "recommendation fee." Which, by the way, isn't mentioned AT ALL in any of the paperwork they sent me about filing for my license. So I have to basically bribe them to send my files on to the state. Also, they're now bitching at me that I have to take some seminar about how to apply for my license, and the last seminar is Thursday. I ALREADY APPLIED FOR MY EFFING LICENSE! But does this deter them? No! They want ANOTHER $40.00 money order to attend their stupid mandatory class, regardless of whether I actually need to take it or not.
I'm calling them tomorrow to complain. Updates as they happen!
I'm really tired from a great four days with NfinitVylence visiting us. It's fun to have someone to show around your town--it actually made us get off our asses and do things for a change. Like making him spend too much money on clothes I picked out. (Hey, I never had a Ken doll, I'm compensating.) And eating at our favorite restaurants in town. There was even one restaurant that had Chocolate as its theme. I'll be dragging poor Diplo back there. At any rate, now he's left, it's boringly quiet.
Soon enough he'll be back, though, and it is my secret plan to put him to work washing the dishes till he finds his own place. Mwa ha. Mwaahahahahahaaa!
Baniarla, if you're reading this, my phone has gone and lost it's little brain. I am taking it to "the shop" tomorrow, so hopefully we'll touch base then! Let me know in email or on the boards or even here if there's a better time for me to call ya.
current mood: frustrated
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2007
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12:57 am - Reviving the Ruminations!
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I think it might be 'cause I updated some of my browsers. But I seem to have been able to log in, and was prodded to by a friend. So since I'm here, and it's 1AM, I might as well bloody write something.
Um.
Nfinit is coming to stay with us forev--I mean, for four days! Squee! I've got grand plans to get him wasted and take him shopping. I think I'd be a good wingman, (wingwoman?) too, so we're totally going to pick up hot chicks. I mean, he is. I'm married now. I'm not allowed to pick up hot chicks anymore. (I'm working on this.)
current mood: bouncy
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jayza's journal
